Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Letting Go

Part of why I am so good at my job is because I can’t let go. I can’t let it go that someone doesn’t call me back. I can’t let it go if someone doesn’t buy with me and buys with someone else. I can’t let it go when someone says they are going to buy with me and then disappears off the face of the earth.

Conversely, this trait that makes successful in all that I do from a work standpoint can creep into my personal life and wreak havoc. I know there are certain things that I need to let go of. I know there are certain issues that I need to say, “Cest la vi” and move on. But I can’t. I try. Then it just eats away at me until I want to explode.

I know that I am sabotaging myself in the long run. It’s not about being right. I think that is where the miscommunication comes into play. It is about being understood. Having empathy for my outlook. My feelings. My desires. Understanding that I am aware of my faults. I recognize them. I want to make them better. But unlearning a behavior in one capacity of your life that is so vital to excelling in another is a contradiction in some ways.

The ultimate problem is when I do let go, I let go completely. My Maitron of Honor included this in her speech at my wedding. I am as loyal and honest as they come, but if I hit the wall I walk away and never turn back to see what happened. I will fight and fight until I can't even look back on that client, enemy from high school, boss that made me crazy. I will fight until I am so exhausted I would rather have nothing than find a solution. This is not a healthy behaivor either.

There are days that I yearn to not be this way. Days that I wish I could be lackadaisical and not have a care in the world. But then, I wouldn’t be me.

Where do you find the balance? The balance of grasping the person I have been my entire life. The good components of not wanting to let go and release the grip that not letting go has in a negative way? If someone has the answer, please let me know.


Amanda said...

Ooh, this is a lot to think about! Being filled with the Holy Spirit on a daily basis (through prayer, reading the Word, thinking about the Lord, singing to Him, etc.) makes a huge difference in my life. I am naturally controlling, a know it all, fearful, insecure, and defensive. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit can override those things with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. (See Galatians 5.) Then He harnesses the good things in my personality - that He put there on purpose - and uses them for Himself. And He gets all the glory because I know and my hubby knows that the gracious and healthy parts of me are only from the Lord! So then I get to keep the things that are beneficial in my personality and lose (or at least give a lot less energy to) the things that aren't.

I hope I didn't get too far off topic!

By the way, thanks for your sweet comments. They bless me! Let me know if you're ready for me to link to you.
Much love,

Profbaugh said...

Oh my, can I relate to your struggle or what!!! First, I think there's amazing wisdom in what Amanda has posted. Listen to her and try her suggestions. However, when I was your age--your stage in life I just wasn't there yet. As a full-time working mom, I barely had time to blow my nose, let alone anything else. And "letting go and letting God" so to speak was just too much surrender of my (notice the word) control.

Much like you I had early success in the workplace, much because of my tenacity. I was Chairperson of my department before I turned 30 and I was great at it. Unfortunately home couldn't be managed the same way.

What I've learned as I've grown--spriritually, emotionally, relationally, well you name it--is that growth is a process. One baby step at a time. Balance doesn't happen overnight. So, be patient with yourself as your take a deep breath and let go (bit by bit). Know that you are doing your BEST and as you learn more you'll adapt and do even better.

This is starting to sound like a dissertation. I'll just stop here. Know that I'm praying for you and if you need any "communication" advice, I'm only an e-mail away. Hang in there, kiddo. It'll get better. I promise!